Chasing Cars
by ffic4life
Summary: Leonard and Sheldon were friends…with benefits. No strings or emotional complications, just how Sheldon wanted it. But for Leonard there's more beneath surface, until tragedy strikes and takes his memory away.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Chasing Cars  
**Rating:** M  
**Genre:** Slash, Romance/Angst/Tragedy  
**Summary**: Leonard and Sheldon were friends…with benefits. No strings or emotional complications, just how Sheldon wanted it. But for Leonard there's more beneath surface, until tragedy strikes and takes his memory away.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own The Big Bang Theory or anyone affiliated with it. If I did, Johnny Galecki would never get to work.  
**Author's Notes: **Yes, I should be working on my other story "Already Gone." But this wouldn't leave me alone. I blame Snow Patrol and their awesome ballads lol. I hope you enjoy!

**Prologue**

Sheldon sometimes wondered if happiness was created to warn people of impending doom.

Yes, he knows that that's a very strange thing for someone like him to even consider, but he can't help it. Staring at someone who knows you more intimately than anyone in the world and yet doesn't know you at all causes you to rethink things in your life.

It also causes guilt to play heavy on your heart. Especially in his case.

It had been a normal night, all things considered. Their friends Raj and Howard had gone home and it was only them left with a lovely jazz album and far too many thoughts on life and each other. Most of the time, Sheldon can ignore those thoughts. But when his dark haired roommate starts singing softly and unwittingly giving him those eyes while sipping a glass of deep red wine, he really can't help but wonder _what if. _The man was so attractive from his altruistic personality to his perfectly shaped buttocks. He was everything someone would want. Everything Sheldon wanted.

However, their agreement is rock solid and leaves no room for such dalliances with temptation. Sheldon wouldn't be able to cope with having to keep up with Leonard's not-so greatly hidden need for love and acceptance. He's just not that in touch with human emotions. He would too afraid of hurting the man and driving him away. So he allows himself this. Light, flirty banter and one to many touches of hands. It was enough for him. But those eyes…damn, they were beautiful. Sheldon could be happy if Leonard were to continue looking at him like that.

Fast-forward six months later and Penny moves in. Suddenly, Leonard isn't looking at him like that anymore, but at a pretty blonde girl. He doesn't like this. He doesn't like this at all. This girl could be the thing to rip away his carefully constructed _happiness _he found with Leonard. But Leonard is a man with needs. And Sheldon can't help but wonder what if again.

It finally happens two years later. He learns what the term "friends with benefits" means, and while hesitant to explore that in their relationship, he likes the implications. It makes Leonard pay attention to him again, but without the emotional component that makes it a real romantic relationship. It means he can almost literally have his cake and eat it too. And that first time together... He'll never forget how wonderful it felt to be inside that slick tightness or the sounds the smaller physicist made. He's pretty sure _happiness _was a word that he used to describe that moment, but now he doesn't quite think it was strong enough.

Truthfully, he never considered Leonard feelings on it. Six months in and he was shocked to find Leonard wondering when they would ever make it official.

Official was never in the cards.

The whole point of their new arrangement was so there was no official. It worked. Leonard got sex regularly and Sheldon got Leonard's undivided attention without having to deal with his emotional mood swings. Why would he want to complicate that?

And when he said as much, he didn't expect to see the absolutely devastated look in the other man's eyes. But even more, he didn't expect what was going to come later that night.

Now, staring through an ICU window; he really does believe happiness is a precursor to tragedy. Because that could only describe what his life was becoming.

His goal was to not lose Leonard, and he lost him anyway. He knew this when those eyes he loved looking at opened and the raspy voice asked, "Who are you?"


	2. Step On A Crack

**Title: **Chasing Cars**  
Rating: **M**  
Genre: **Slash, Romance/Angst/Tragedy**  
Summary: **Leonard and Sheldon were friends…with benefits. No strings or emotional complications, just how Sheldon wanted it. But for Leonard there's more beneath surface, until tragedy strikes and takes his memory away.**  
Disclaimer: **I don't own The Big Bang Theory or anyone affiliated with it. If I did, Johnny Galecki would never get to work.**  
Author's Notes: **SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry this took so long. My life is freaking nuts right now! Thank you for all the follows/faves/reviews! They make my day! Enjoy!

**Chapter 1~Step On A Crack**

_We'll do it all  
Everything  
On our own_

_Saturday, 4:45 AM _

Leonard opened his eyes when the first crack of thunder rolled through and immediately felt the strain in his lower back.

He groaned and snuffled as he fought to turn over and face the ceiling as the window lit up with another strike of lightening. Rain in California. Local's worst nightmare. He didn't know what time it exactly was, but it was definitely time for him to get up.

But it was a Saturday, and he didn't want to. Even if he _had_ to in order to go to the mandated conference in Irvine.

He rubbed his eyes and yawned as he sat forward, letting out a little noise as the muscles got pulled again. Looking to his left he wasn't surprised to see the sheet perfectly smoothed out as if no one had been there at all.

He frowned and shook his head.

No doubt Sheldon won't even speak of the previous night's…_vigorous_ activities and he wanted to be able to brush it off like it didn't bother him, but every time he does that it only bothers him more the next time.

And then he promises himself he won't let it happen again until he gets answers about how or why this even started six months ago, after years of dancing around each other.

And it _had_ been years.

Since the day he walked in the front door for the very first time, he was drawn to the tall and very awkward man. From the organized routines he has developed in his life, to his deeply rooted anxieties about change or deviation from those organized routines. There was just always something about him that screamed to Leonard, asking for him to be actively involved in those routines.

So he made that happen.

He befriended the anti-social physicist and integrated himself in what some would call his madness. He made it his mission to get Sheldon to come out of his shell, and he had been successful in many areas.

For one, he expanded the man's social circle, which was quite a feat if he did say so himself. And another, he got Sheldon to be okay with intimacy. Not sexual at first, just purely _platonic_ physical intimacy. Like being hugged or patted on the shoulder. And he enjoyed being the one to introduce him to those things.

Yes, he bitched about him; but, mostly, that was a front for Sheldon's sake.

If people knew how close they were, they would start wonder things. And he knew for a fact Sheldon would _not _be able to handle that kind of attention. People wondering about he himself didn't bother him. Sexuality was whatever. Way over scrutinized, in his opinion. But he knows labels, even though the other man would vehemently deny it, matter to Sheldon. Mostly because it meant more forced human interaction in answering questions and/or fielding more people who want to be involved in his life.

So Leonard keeps the front, and lets the rest lie.

Somewhere along the way he started feeling differently…or, well, more strongly than he did before. He didn't notice it at first, but slowly he started catching himself staring at him longer or smiling affectionately at his antics.

Leonard had been terrified. Shaken to the core by that revelation.

Feeling that way about Sheldon Cooper had **"HEARTBREAK"** written all over it; and he really didn't want another one of those.

But then Penny came along, and he could put those feelings on the back burner and focus on her. Of course, the feelings never went away, in fact they got stronger.

And six months ago started his spiral into…well he didn't even know, really…began.

They weren't _together _but they weren't _not _together either. They were somewhere in between. And the reason he knows they weren't _not _together is because of how insanely jealous Sheldon gets whenever he talks to anyone else, particularly Penny. So that hinted towards a relationship, except that they never talk about anything or, you know, dated. Unless you count watching science fiction reruns with Chinese food around their friends – dating. And since they've been doing that forever, he didn't think it did.

It's just all so complicated. He would never push the man to admit he loves him or anything, but at least acknowledging they were more than friends would assuage him that he wasn't spinning his wheels yet again. And he knew this would happen, but his want for Sheldon had won out and then…well it was just a vicious circle is the bottom line.

So, he did what he always does and forced himself out of his bed and through his morning routine, promising himself it wouldn't happen again. Only this time, he's actually certain it won't. He was tired of settling for feeling like a toy in order to have a few minutes of happiness. It was going to be a lone day, but the positive thing was there was two hours alone in a car with Sheldon ahead of him. Plenty of time to lay everything out and figure out where they go from here.

Everything was going to change…however, no one fore saw how much.

~L&S~

Sheldon Cooper was many things.

Genius. Physicist. Friend. Roommate. Pioneer of all things _rational_ and most certainly _not _crazy.

But the biggest thing Sheldon Cooper was is alone.

For as he has been told many times in his life he has no real peers, as no one could possibly hope to understand him. Everyone assumed he was a nut-job.

Well, okay, everyone but Leonard Hofstadter.

But Leonard Hofstadter was anomaly much like himself; and Sheldon wasn't entirely certain he counted.

They were sitting in the car on the way to Irvine for a conference being hosted by Dr. Gablehouser for all of the scientists working at CalTech regarding new research on brain activity and how people can "heal themselves" from the brain figuring new pathways around an affected area.

Fascinating for _biologists_, yes; but the anti-social _physicist_ knew it would be a bore to him.

On top of everything it was in Irvine. Two hours away and they had to throw off their regular schedule in order to arrive on time, which has put him in a decidedly sour mood.

He's asked Leonard repeatedly why the director would think _Irvine_ would be an appropriate place to house a pointless conference when they have more than ample space at the university, but the other man simply said, "He's the director, Sheldon. You looking to get fired again?"

Now they were left in relative silence, save for the random thunder crack and soft sound of rain droplets hitting the windshield before being swished off by the windshield wipers and it was starting to bother him. Usually on the way to work they would have an open dialogue of their research, or possibly engage in a riveting brain teaser game. But for some reason, the man behind the wheel was quiet and tense.

It made far too much time for thinking on Sheldon's part. Thinking about things he doesn't want to think about.

Like how nice Leonard smells. Or how much he'd love to thread his fingers through the dark curly locks sitting atop his head. Or how absolutely gratified he felt last night feeling the surprising strong legs wrap around his hips as he…

He blushes slightly when his thoughts start to take a dirtier turn. Thinking of the night before and how desperate the smaller man had been and…he coughs.

He seriously needs to start reasserting the self-control he prided himself having for so many years, because these thoughts while definitely arousing, were causing a mild identity crisis.

Sheldon Cooper was meant to be satisfied by work and reason. Not by the touch of another human being. He was meant to be alone. He was fine with people considering him a nutjob. Fine with not having any peers. But Leonard…holy cow, _Leonard…._just thinking his name made him shiver. Leonard had this ability to throw him off.

He didn't like it.

Leonard seemed to come out of whatever haze he had been in when Sheldon coughed, because he repositioned himself and cleared his throat. Having some knowledge of common human behaviors, Sheldon knew this was a precursor to engaging in a conversation…and probably an uncomfortable one he would rather _not_ engage in.

After heaving a sigh, Leonard said softly, "Sheldon, I need to talk to you."

Sheldon resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Well, Leonard, seeing as you _are_ talking to me, why don't you skip the semantics and just continue."

Leonard glanced at him and squeezed his hand on the wheel in irritation. "Fine," he mumbled. "I don't want to have sex with you anymore."

Sheldon choked as he leaned forward and looked at the man sitting next to him with wide eyes. "Excuse me?"

Leonard cringed and sighed again. "That came out wrong. I mean, _no_ it didn't; but…there's _more_ to it than just…_that_." The stuttering man chanced a glance at the one sitting next to him to see that his face still appeared shocked, but slowly settling into his analytical!Sheldon expression. "There's a reason, Shelly," Leonard continued as gently as he could. "And I'm struggling with telling you what it is, because I don't know what you're going to say."

There. Being as explanatory as possible for Sheldon so the man has more to pick apart while he tries and fails to come up with the words to ask when they ever were going to become more than a sexual fantasy, is the best way to go about it.

Okay, yeah. He knows. He chickened out. The best way to do this kind of conversation is…well, there is no best way. Ripping off band aids is the only liken expression, and that makes him frown as it reminds him of their stupid rule in the Roommate Agreement. Shit. He was in so deep there was really no hope of coming out still friends if the whole thing blows up in his face, was there?

Sheldon sat back with a small thud. That outburst was certainly not something he expected. Surely if Leonard of all people were turning down freely given coitus there must be a pretty large reason behind it. He thinks for a second as the more troubled of the two is obviously trying to pull all his strength together to say whatever his explanation is.

Could he be seeing someone else?

Rationally speaking, it would make sense if Leonard didn't want to engage in sexual intercourse if he found someone else that caught his fancy; but as far as he knew, he hadn't spoken to anyone out of their norm. Could it be Penny?

No. Impossible.

While Sheldon was certain that Leonard still (and always will) have love for the Nebraskan, the ship has long since sailed, as they say. They were better friends, as they truthfully had too many things that were a never ending problem. One, Penny felt inferior to Leonard's intelligence. Two, Leonard felt inferior to Penny's romantic history. And three, they never seemed to be on the same page.

So, that didn't leave much else in the way of options.

Leslie had been in New York since the first of the year. Sheldon had never cared enough to ask anyone what she's doing there.

And in the past six months they hadn't really been around anyone new.

So, what could possibly be causing the other man to want to stop the arrangement they had? He knew it wasn't an issue of the sex not being satisfactory. While it may be true that Sheldon is far more inexperienced in comparison, Leonard had always seemed more than content with the product of their carnal actions.

Unless, he had been lying all this time.

Which the blue eyed man knew was an absurd thought. _"Oooh, Shelly. Fuck me till I can't move! Just like that! Oh god, don't stop!" _wasn't exactly something you said when you weren't enjoying the experience, right?

Leonard finally huffed from his side of the car, and Sheldon looked over at him.

"Shelly," he said, "I have…_feelings_ for you." He admitted haltingly. The physicist in question pulled back a little bit, his face becoming unreadable and making Leonard's stomach drop. "Like _romantic _feelings for you. I-I…I have for a long time. And this thing going on between us…I need to know what it is..._exactly_."

Flabbergasted, Sheldon could not form a coherent thought. What was going on? This was not supposed to happen. He didn't…he didn't know what to do. And that was a first for him.

"I'm not saying we need to be official right _now _or like even _tomorrow," _Leonard continued tense. "I'm saying I need to know if we…well, if there's a chance we _ever_ will be. That I'm not just spinning my wheels here. I can understand if you don't feel the same way for me right now, but – "

"Leonard," Sheldon cut him off, "your babbling doesn't become you."

Blushing, Leonard stopped.

There was a few moments of silence that hung in the air like a cloud of toxic smoke. Feeling his stomach begin to plummet, the curly headed scientist bit his tongue to keep from making a bigger fool of himself. Truly he should of saw this coming, but the silence was the worst kind of rejection he could ever be given. It dropped like a lead balloon in his heart and brought bitter tears behind his dark eyes.

Sheldon, for his part, was still processing the information given. His lover wanted a concrete relationship. Why? What they had was working quite well. They did everything like they always had, except Leonard wasn't off trying to get the attention of some other pretty face because he had all his sexual needs satisfied by his roommate and best friend. Sheldon saw the arrangement as truly a "have your cake and eat it too" sort of deal. Who could want more?

"You aren't saying anything," Leonard observed with a strained voice.

Snapping back to attention, Sheldon snorted, "I am aware of what I am and am not doing. What I am not aware of is how to _let you down easy, _as the saying goes."

Leonard's stomach dropped. This is exactly what he was afraid of, and truthfully he should have been more prepared for that answer. But he wasn't. "I see," he says calmly, feeling the tears start to roll over his cheeks.

"Honestly, Leonard, I'm confused as to what you expected me to say."

The crying one of the two shook his head, "I don't know, Shelly. Definitely more than what you just did. I mean…seven years and six months together. Six months of sex and spending _every waking minute_ together and…**_nothing_**? **_Nothing at all_**?" His voice was taking on a shrill tone, making him cringe. He hated that he was coming off desperate.

"I care for you," Sheldon said slowly, "I just don't love you. I don't believe in the sentiment. And truthfully the only reason I initiated a sexual component to our otherwise platonic relationship is because I was tired of watching you get your heart broken by all those women and diverting your attention away from me. When you really consider the facts, Leonard, I was doing you a favor."

"A _favor_?" Leonard practically shouted. Taking a second to swallow his sob, he growls, "You really are a son of a bitch." Feeling his heart get ripped in two, he feels more hot tears fall even as the rain outside gets steadily heavier.

"There's no reason for profanity," the other man says with narrowed eyebrows, even as he keeps flicking gaze between the hysterical person beside him and the storm outside, nervous as a sense of foreboding hung thick in the cab.

"If you don't understand why I'm angry after _that_ explanation, than we never belonged together in the first place," Leonard sniffed.

Chuckling, the tall man replied, "So then you agree with me?"

A pause, "What?"

"You just said we never belonged together in first place, that's – "

"NO!" Leonard shouted frustrated, gripping the wheel tighter and flicking the windshield wipers on faster. "That is not what I meant."

Exasperated, Sheldon groans, "Then what did you mean?"

There's a long pause as Leonard angrily changes lanes and Sheldon grabs the door handle to keep from being too jarred. Nervous with their increased speed and Leonard now being emotionally compromised, he stated as calmly as possible, "Leonard, you really need to – "

"Don't tell me how to drive," the other man bit out. "You don't like my driving? You can walk home after this seminar and then find yourself another chauffer."

Biting his lip, Sheldon tried again, "I'm just trying to point out that – "

"Why don't I answer your question?" Leonard said changing lanes again and cutting off a red Volvo now behind them. "You wanna know what I mean?"

Not seeing any other way to try and diffuse the situation, Sheldon nodded. "It would be helpful."

Leonard scoffed, "Helpful, yeah." Wiping his face, "What I meant was, if you think this…_thing, _this…_whatever _we were doing saved me from heartbreak, you didn't know me at all. We coldn't have possibly been the level of friends I thought we were. If you think this has been doing me a fucking _favor, _not only are you deranged but you're a stranger to me!" He stared at Sheldon, not hiding the hurt and pain falling down his face.

Shocked, Sheldon stuttered, "I-I…That's not…I don't…"

"My _best friend, _the person I thought you were, would know this would devastate me," He cried not taking his eyes off his once lover. "Saying that to me would ruin everything there ever was between us," he continued. "If you cared about me at all, if you _knew_ me at all, you would know that I – "

Sheldon, saw the car besides them begin to swerve and missed the last of what was said as he screamed, "**_Leonard, look_** – " but it was too late.

That car made impact, and the last thing Sheldon saw before everything went dark is glass shattering and Leonard hitting his head-**hard**-against the dashboard.

Their car hit the divider wall on Sheldon's side, but received minimal damage, all things considered. They stayed there, unconscious, until the paramedics came.

And when he came to, hours later, he wished he could go back to that moment before all hell broke loose; because then at least his roommate would know who he was.

_If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_


End file.
